Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Warning much introspection inside. Being in my head is weird.

Alrighty, first things first.. I'm a slacker.  Yesterday was Monday weigh in was 212.4-- a new low by .2lbs.  (this morning was 213 so.. whatever lol) My last pictures were taken 20lbs ago (well 19.4) and I know I need to do more.  That's all.  I don't have a good reason for not doing more.  I REALLY should.  They help keep me on track.  Every 20lbs or so I have a body crisis.  My skin is all wrinkly and saggy.  You can tell there used to be a lot more fat to fill it out and now there's not.  It really looks terrible.  I know it'll take time before things firm up, but it's REALLY really bad.  I took some pics to show a friend so she'd get the full effect of what I'm talking about, but I can't bring myself to show anyone! My boobs have taken a really big hit here.  Being the fat girl, you really learn to count on the boobs to get you through.  I may be fat, but at least I have nice boobs! Yeah, now I'm fat with terrible boobs.  It's almost like an identity crisis.

There's been a lot of activity, but little p90x in my house. :( I'm visiting some friends in a week and a half (yay!) but OMG that means someone who doesn't LIVE here will be hanging out in my dirty apt to keep my dog company.  We also had a garage sale over the weekend.  I sold next to nothing, but wow.. everything got drug out and I've been recovering from that.  All the while catching up with laundry and doing things like washing comforters and quilts.  So basically I'm cleaning things I haven't cleaned since I was pregnant and nesting.

I've gotta take pics and list more stuff on craigslist.  If I could get rid of *stuff* and fund my trip at the same time I'd be a happy happy girl.

I'd like to promise a workout today, but I'm not so sure.  Yesterday I tweaked my back while SITTING.  I felt it happen.  I've gotta head to the chiro and fix this asap!

I wanted to be under 200 before our trip, but I think that pressure is also sabotaging me.  I don't really know what to make of it to be perfectly honest.  I don't have a good reason for all the slacking.  My diet has been good, but the work part has been missing.  I did this around Lila's first birthday.  I really wanted to be able to say I lost 100lbs in a year, 9/21/10-9/21/11 -- Lila being born on the 22nd, and it just didn't happen.  About 2wks before my deadline I could see that I wouldn't reach it and I fell apart.  I haven't quite fallen apart, but I might be close.

On a happy note, somewhere over the past week I tried on a pair of size 16 jeans.  They fit.  Not they could fit if I squeezed really hard and laid down on the bed to zip them.  They just fit.  I've had 2 other pair of jeans that size fit, but I just assumed it was a fluke and they were cut big or something.  Now I'm starting to think I really am in a size 16.  I really need a good thrift store buddy.  I need new pants! :-) 

(That's another part of the whole problem.  There are times when I feel downright small.  Where if it weren't for all the loose skin, I'd be thrilled with my body this size.)  I'll come up with a balance eventually.. I'm sure of it.  I think it might take longer than what I had hoped though.  I need to take my measurements.  I'm at a stage where I'm no longer anticipating big losses like I used to have.  Maybe progress will show itself in the form of inches lost.

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