Tuesday, September 4, 2012

I truly don't know what to say.

First things first.. I missed a few weigh ins.

August 20th 214. something.  I didn't even log it.
August 27th 225.
Today 216.2

I haven't stepped on the scale.  I haven't worked out. I have eaten crap.  Life has been happening around me and I've been rather paralyzed by it.  Instead of channeling that angst, I've been avoiding it.  I've had sick kids, financial stress, pipes bursting, a flooded kitchen, a leaky bathroom, a broken air conditioner.. yes again. The ex is having a significant amount of drama.. while not my problem, it has dredged up things in me that make me realize I'm not as far along in the healing process as I would like to be.

He spent the weekend with the girls and in less than 24 hours I felt like I was defective.  Like there was obviously something wrong with me.  It's not like he did anything wrong or different.  It's just that is our script.  It was painful, but therapeutic all at the same time.  I do think it was a kick in the pants for me to really become happy with myself.  I waiver between being really satisfied by my accomplishments, and being completely disgusted by my body.  It's very frustrating to say the least.

I almost didn't bother posting this, but I'm aspiring for "real" and definitely honest.  So there it is.  No matter how healthy I want to be my ex still has that power over me to make me feel not good enough just by existing.  He's apologized profusely, but I don't can't believe his words.  I can only hope that his actions match up.

Today I drink drink drink.  I haven't been getting enough fluids by a lot.  I'm dressed.  Gonna go hit play while Lila is still asleep. I have a ton of shit to do.  I've not just neglected the blog and my workouts.  I've neglected life in general.  It's not good.  


  1. The fact that you can say/write all these things out loud is a huge step. There's no healing without first understanding and admitting. You are on a hard road, but you are on the right one. You have a butt-load of support out here, so utilize it when you need to. (love)

    1. I plyoed. There was a time when that workout brought me to tears. Today was good.

      The person I was last Thursday is vastly different than the person I was Sunday. So much that even the ex pointed it out. What really sucked is that he's right. I was the fat hidden me again and I don't want to be that girl.

  2. Sending warm fuzzy thoughts your way. Hang in there mama.