Friday, March 30, 2012

Kids are asleep and I have some (disjointed) thoughts

*****Disclaimer***** I'm not a writer, I don't pretend to be a writer and I know that there's little flow to my words.  Bear with me ;-)

When I was pregnant with Lila I was DXed with gestational diabetes.  It was big scary and awful.  I was immediately put on Metformin, a week later my glucose levels had gone down, but not dramatically.  I was given a 2500calorie diet I was expected to follow.  My first reaction was there's no way in hell I'm ever going to eat that much that many times a day.  I couldn't eat that much!

After a week on the Metformin and still having high blood sugars I was hospitalized to try and get my numbers under control.

I had a mini meltdown in the hospital.. I was doing exactly what I was told, I even had them cut my diet down because there was TOO MUCH FOOD.  As I was explaining this to the nurse, the dietitian came in.  I recapped my frustrations for her.  Just because I was fat didn't mean I sat around eating boxes of twinkies.  The nurse got a surprised look on her face.  The dietitian nodded sympathetically and told the nurse "She's right. Once you are at a certain point, it doesn't matter how much you eat, you still gain." OMG having someone validate my feelings was huge.  We went through the diet and I told her what I would eat in a day vs the insane amount of food they tried to get me to eat.  Really? The second dinner roll was probably excessive.  That kind of thing was eliminated.

Every week for 3-5 weeks my insulin was raised.  I was on A LOT of insulin.  4 needles a day a lot of insulin.  Food became the enemy.  I was so upset that no matter what I did or how strictly I followed the diet my pancreas was just broken.  I remember breaking down and crying because I did what I was supposed to do.  I ate exactly what they told me to eat and things were still bad.  My Dr then reminded me that I had to eat.  This was what I SHOULD be eating and the meds needed to be altered not me.  That meant a lot to me.

The Monday before I gave birth (on Wed) I was 382lbs.  My whole body hurt.  Trying to grocery shop or any movement in general was just so painful.  I'd always been fat, but I was never disabled by my weight.  This was a whole new kind of awful. I remember one particularly horrible day.  I was in the yogurt aisle, and a 6-7yo boy actually pointed out the fat lady at the grocery store.  Wow.. that sucked.

I don't really know where I'm going with this except that I resent the assumption that because I'm fat it must be because I sit around and eat crap.

It's taken me 2 days to type this out.  I skipped YogaX (will catch up on Sunday) and only managed 1/2 of legs and back today.  I was out running errands and trying to get stuff done.  So yeah.  I suck.


  1. ((HUGS))
    I once had a little girl in a public washroom ask me why I was so fat. Omg...that hurt so much.

  2. Look at how far you have come! Not all people have to work as hard as we do to be slim ( my husband for example). I am doing what I do so I can be healthy and around for a long time, for me and my girls. I do what I do so my girls live a healthy balanced life and don't have to deal with the struggles I have. Both sides of my family have weight issues, had I been smart enough in college I might have seen the writing on the wall, instead I am changing my life and creating healthy patterns for my babies. This morning I am 174, lowest in a while, I have done something (10 minute trainer, treadmill, or running after the girls on their bikes) for 6 of the last 7 days :). The day I skipped I worked 13 hours and had to go in early the next day or I would have done it too. I am going to celebrate by eating a healthy lunch at work :)......